PERMISSION TO COACH OR MENTOR ?

PERMISSION TO COACH OR MENTOR ?

While facilitating a session at Chennai on Mentoring some time back, a few of my participants expressed their surprise at the concept of asking for and getting permission to mentor a subordinate. It did not appear as necessary to them. After all, this was for the benefit of the subordinate! Wasn’t that understood? Why was there a need to ask for permission?

As I thought over it, I realized that the idea of asking permission in the Indian context is usually understood as asking for permission only from those in authority or those above us in the hierarchy. So asking for permission from some one who reports into us or is not at our level in the hierarchy seems strange because such people, according to our mental models, do not have either the authority or the power.

This view of asking for permission only from authority figures probably comes from our growing up processes where elders in the family, school, college and some bosses assume that they have the authority to enter or even "intrude" into our space without any need for authorization from us.

This is because the concept of private space and boundaries, and respect for it, is almost non-existent in our culture. The common spaces and boundaries are supposedly more important than private spaces and boundaries and those in authority are assumed to be acting in our best interest and in the interest of the larger community (family/organisation etc.) when they do so. In fact those in authority are probably not even aware that they are breaching boundaries.

So whether it is about our time or our space or decisions or issues in our lives, those in authority have assumed the power to enter that space without any need for permission from the person involved. Such power is granted by cultural norms and assumed as non-negotiable as they have evolved in our society over a long period of time.

Which is probably why parents, teachers, elders and those in authority are accustomed to giving us advice and direction, based on their assessment of our need for it, without even asking our opinion as to whether we need it or not, let alone our permission.Conversely therefore, those younger or those lower down the hierarchy are not given the authority or the credibility to do so. That would be deemed as impudent and discouraged. So role and position largely dictate whether you do or do not need to ask permission.

The whole concept of permission mentoring can only flourish in a culture where private boundaries are respected and therefore permission is required by the person wishing to enter that space, whether such a person is in a position of authority or not.

So the transformation in mental models that is required is about revisiting our notions of authority - Who is authority? What is the extent of their power? And also our notions of boundaries – Who can enter? With permission? Without permission? What areas can they enter? And so on…

That is why there is such a challenge to the notion of permission mentoring.

As the group and I explored this topic further, what we unearthed was another interesting dimension – what if I ask for permission and the person refuses? What do I do in such cases?

Some subordinates tend to rebuff/rebel when dealing with authority and particularly when those in authority give that space and respect. At other times, it could be about credibility – sometimes the manager who has not built up the credibility with the subordinate approaches him/her and could be rebuffed because of the lack of credibility.

Apart from credibility it could also be one of timing – there may be so many other things that the person is grappling with at that instant in time and so may not want to take on some more work.

It could also be an issue of prioritization – the person may recognize that this would be an area they need to work on but they may want to work on something that is more pressing for them.

The group and I were fascinated at all the various aspects this topic touched on. No wonder there was such reluctance and resistance to asking for permission to mentor !