PERMISSION TO COACH OR MENTOR ?

PERMISSION TO COACH OR MENTOR ?

While facilitating a session at Chennai on Mentoring some time back, a few of my participants expressed their surprise at the concept of asking for and getting permission to mentor a subordinate. It did not appear as necessary to them. After all, this was for the benefit of the subordinate! Wasn’t that understood? Why was there a need to ask for permission?

As I thought over it, I realized that the idea of asking permission in the Indian context is usually understood as asking for permission only from those in authority or those above us in the hierarchy. So asking for permission from some one who reports into us or is not at our level in the hierarchy seems strange because such people, according to our mental models, do not have either the authority or the power.

This view of asking for permission only from authority figures probably comes from our growing up processes where elders in the family, school, college and some bosses assume that they have the authority to enter or even "intrude" into our space without any need for authorization from us.

This is because the concept of private space and boundaries, and respect for it, is almost non-existent in our culture. The common spaces and boundaries are supposedly more important than private spaces and boundaries and those in authority are assumed to be acting in our best interest and in the interest of the larger community (family/organisation etc.) when they do so. In fact those in authority are probably not even aware that they are breaching boundaries.

So whether it is about our time or our space or decisions or issues in our lives, those in authority have assumed the power to enter that space without any need for permission from the person involved. Such power is granted by cultural norms and assumed as non-negotiable as they have evolved in our society over a long period of time.

Which is probably why parents, teachers, elders and those in authority are accustomed to giving us advice and direction, based on their assessment of our need for it, without even asking our opinion as to whether we need it or not, let alone our permission.Conversely therefore, those younger or those lower down the hierarchy are not given the authority or the credibility to do so. That would be deemed as impudent and discouraged. So role and position largely dictate whether you do or do not need to ask permission.

The whole concept of permission mentoring can only flourish in a culture where private boundaries are respected and therefore permission is required by the person wishing to enter that space, whether such a person is in a position of authority or not.

So the transformation in mental models that is required is about revisiting our notions of authority - Who is authority? What is the extent of their power? And also our notions of boundaries – Who can enter? With permission? Without permission? What areas can they enter? And so on…

That is why there is such a challenge to the notion of permission mentoring.

As the group and I explored this topic further, what we unearthed was another interesting dimension – what if I ask for permission and the person refuses? What do I do in such cases?

Some subordinates tend to rebuff/rebel when dealing with authority and particularly when those in authority give that space and respect. At other times, it could be about credibility – sometimes the manager who has not built up the credibility with the subordinate approaches him/her and could be rebuffed because of the lack of credibility.

Apart from credibility it could also be one of timing – there may be so many other things that the person is grappling with at that instant in time and so may not want to take on some more work.

It could also be an issue of prioritization – the person may recognize that this would be an area they need to work on but they may want to work on something that is more pressing for them.

The group and I were fascinated at all the various aspects this topic touched on. No wonder there was such reluctance and resistance to asking for permission to mentor !

Opportunities for catching biases in daily experiences

My mother approached me the other day with a problem - she could not send messages from her mobile anymore. And she wanted me to sort it out for her.

As a coach, I often advice my clients to ask questions first instead of offering solutions immediately.  So I thought it would be a good idea if I followed my own advice once in a while :)

I asked her if this was a recent problem. Did she remember any particular incident after which she had this problem? Maybe she hadn't paid her bills? Maybe she changed her plan by nodding her head to some offer without realizing what she was doing? Maybe she dropped her phone and that particular key was jammed?

I was thinking about all kinds of possibilities. (Actually my own biases and assumptions about her were popping up but I was not yet seeing them as such)

She said that she was facing this problem ever since my son borrowed it from her for a couple of days when his mobile was under repair.

My son wasn’t around for "interrogation" so I asked her to show me what happened that prevented her from sending messages. She cycled through the menu correctly ( I discovered that I assume that she may not know that) and came to the screen where she could type out her message. When she tried typing out a test message, some garbled text was appearing on the screen.  And she showed me that as proof that she could not send her message.

Ok, so this was a different problem to the one she told me. Her problem was not that she could not send her message. She was getting garbage text on the screen.  I assumed she may have changed the setting on the language option and since I hadn’t been watching her type out her message, I asked her to do so again while I watched what she did. (Another wrong assumption on my part – my mother fiddles around with the settings without understanding what to do!)  

As I watched her type out her message, it was apparent to me that my son had turned on the predictive text option while using it and hadn’t told her about it. This was something my mother knew nothing about. (How can she not know even this?)

So I showed her how this worked and asked her if this was something she would be comfortable using. “No” she said  “I want it the way I am used to.” (How can you be so resistant to something that is so useful?) Anyway, I went into the settings and turned predictive texting off and asked her to try again. This time there was no hitch and she could send her messages again! And she was thrilled that her problem had been fixed.

So her problem was not that she could not send messages. Her problem was that her phone was typing garbage. The other problem she faced was that she didn't know how to fix that. 

My problem was that I had a whole bunch of assumptions and biases that were operating during this whole time and I was not even aware of all that chatter in my head at that time. 

Reflecting on this experience, I realized there was a lot of lessons for me as a coach.

Often, I run with the problem as told to me by the client or the sponsor.  

I don’t ask them to explain to me as to why they think this is a problem. 

I don’t always realize that the presented problem may not be the actual problem. I get pressured by the sponsor to show results so I go with the presented problem.  I don’t catch all the assumptions or biases I am making about the client or my favoured approaches or solutions.

I don’t spend time thinking about how I need to accept the reality that it is ultimately my clients’ challenges and that solutions need to work for them?

Lots to think about and lots of learning….this time thanks to my mother.