PERMISSION TO COACH OR MENTOR ?

PERMISSION TO COACH OR MENTOR ?

While facilitating a session at Chennai on Mentoring some time back, a few of my participants expressed their surprise at the concept of asking for and getting permission to mentor a subordinate. It did not appear as necessary to them. After all, this was for the benefit of the subordinate! Wasn’t that understood? Why was there a need to ask for permission?

As I thought over it, I realized that the idea of asking permission in the Indian context is usually understood as asking for permission only from those in authority or those above us in the hierarchy. So asking for permission from some one who reports into us or is not at our level in the hierarchy seems strange because such people, according to our mental models, do not have either the authority or the power.

This view of asking for permission only from authority figures probably comes from our growing up processes where elders in the family, school, college and some bosses assume that they have the authority to enter or even "intrude" into our space without any need for authorization from us.

This is because the concept of private space and boundaries, and respect for it, is almost non-existent in our culture. The common spaces and boundaries are supposedly more important than private spaces and boundaries and those in authority are assumed to be acting in our best interest and in the interest of the larger community (family/organisation etc.) when they do so. In fact those in authority are probably not even aware that they are breaching boundaries.

So whether it is about our time or our space or decisions or issues in our lives, those in authority have assumed the power to enter that space without any need for permission from the person involved. Such power is granted by cultural norms and assumed as non-negotiable as they have evolved in our society over a long period of time.

Which is probably why parents, teachers, elders and those in authority are accustomed to giving us advice and direction, based on their assessment of our need for it, without even asking our opinion as to whether we need it or not, let alone our permission.Conversely therefore, those younger or those lower down the hierarchy are not given the authority or the credibility to do so. That would be deemed as impudent and discouraged. So role and position largely dictate whether you do or do not need to ask permission.

The whole concept of permission mentoring can only flourish in a culture where private boundaries are respected and therefore permission is required by the person wishing to enter that space, whether such a person is in a position of authority or not.

So the transformation in mental models that is required is about revisiting our notions of authority - Who is authority? What is the extent of their power? And also our notions of boundaries – Who can enter? With permission? Without permission? What areas can they enter? And so on…

That is why there is such a challenge to the notion of permission mentoring.

As the group and I explored this topic further, what we unearthed was another interesting dimension – what if I ask for permission and the person refuses? What do I do in such cases?

Some subordinates tend to rebuff/rebel when dealing with authority and particularly when those in authority give that space and respect. At other times, it could be about credibility – sometimes the manager who has not built up the credibility with the subordinate approaches him/her and could be rebuffed because of the lack of credibility.

Apart from credibility it could also be one of timing – there may be so many other things that the person is grappling with at that instant in time and so may not want to take on some more work.

It could also be an issue of prioritization – the person may recognize that this would be an area they need to work on but they may want to work on something that is more pressing for them.

The group and I were fascinated at all the various aspects this topic touched on. No wonder there was such reluctance and resistance to asking for permission to mentor !

Opportunities for catching biases in daily experiences

My mother approached me the other day with a problem - she could not send messages from her mobile anymore. And she wanted me to sort it out for her.

As a coach, I often advice my clients to ask questions first instead of offering solutions immediately.  So I thought it would be a good idea if I followed my own advice once in a while :)

I asked her if this was a recent problem. Did she remember any particular incident after which she had this problem? Maybe she hadn't paid her bills? Maybe she changed her plan by nodding her head to some offer without realizing what she was doing? Maybe she dropped her phone and that particular key was jammed?

I was thinking about all kinds of possibilities. (Actually my own biases and assumptions about her were popping up but I was not yet seeing them as such)

She said that she was facing this problem ever since my son borrowed it from her for a couple of days when his mobile was under repair.

My son wasn’t around for "interrogation" so I asked her to show me what happened that prevented her from sending messages. She cycled through the menu correctly ( I discovered that I assume that she may not know that) and came to the screen where she could type out her message. When she tried typing out a test message, some garbled text was appearing on the screen.  And she showed me that as proof that she could not send her message.

Ok, so this was a different problem to the one she told me. Her problem was not that she could not send her message. She was getting garbage text on the screen.  I assumed she may have changed the setting on the language option and since I hadn’t been watching her type out her message, I asked her to do so again while I watched what she did. (Another wrong assumption on my part – my mother fiddles around with the settings without understanding what to do!)  

As I watched her type out her message, it was apparent to me that my son had turned on the predictive text option while using it and hadn’t told her about it. This was something my mother knew nothing about. (How can she not know even this?)

So I showed her how this worked and asked her if this was something she would be comfortable using. “No” she said  “I want it the way I am used to.” (How can you be so resistant to something that is so useful?) Anyway, I went into the settings and turned predictive texting off and asked her to try again. This time there was no hitch and she could send her messages again! And she was thrilled that her problem had been fixed.

So her problem was not that she could not send messages. Her problem was that her phone was typing garbage. The other problem she faced was that she didn't know how to fix that. 

My problem was that I had a whole bunch of assumptions and biases that were operating during this whole time and I was not even aware of all that chatter in my head at that time. 

Reflecting on this experience, I realized there was a lot of lessons for me as a coach.

Often, I run with the problem as told to me by the client or the sponsor.  

I don’t ask them to explain to me as to why they think this is a problem. 

I don’t always realize that the presented problem may not be the actual problem. I get pressured by the sponsor to show results so I go with the presented problem.  I don’t catch all the assumptions or biases I am making about the client or my favoured approaches or solutions.

I don’t spend time thinking about how I need to accept the reality that it is ultimately my clients’ challenges and that solutions need to work for them?

Lots to think about and lots of learning….this time thanks to my mother. 

The 36 Tattvas of Saiva Siddhantham

Attended this really interesting introduction to Saivism organised by The Hayagriva Study Circle and conducted by Dr. Sundari Krishnamurthy recently. Was fascinated by the schematic construction of the principles of the universe as seen by Saiva Siddhantham and so am offering here two models of  the schema that i have found on further reading. Also found this brief and lucid explanation of the main points of Saiva Siddhantham here : http://www.skandagurunatha.org/deities/siva/home.asp

Happy exploring for yourself too. 

Great Story for the Harried and the Rushed!!!

Can I Borrow $25?

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: ‘Daddy, may I ask you a question?’

DAD: ‘Yeah sure, what it is?’ replied the man.

SON: ‘Daddy, how much do you make an hour?’

DAD: ‘That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?’ the man said angrily.

SON: ‘I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?’

DAD: ‘If you must know, I make $50 an hour.’

SON: ‘Oh,’ the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: ‘Daddy, may I please borrow $25?’

The father was furious, ‘If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.’

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn’t ask for m oney very often The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

‘Are you asleep, son?’ He asked.

‘No daddy, I’m awake,’ replied the boy.

‘I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier’ said the man. ‘It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $25 you asked for.’

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. ‘Oh, thank you daddy!’ he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

‘Why do you want more money if you already have some?’ the father grumbled.

‘Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,’ the little boy replied.

‘Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.’

Why China is not an international threat

A friend of mine and I were chatting  on FB about the dangers of the Chinese buying into the debts of countries that were in danger of collapsing (greece and ireland for example) and the possible dangers of those moves and that got me thinking about this topic. So thought I would throw my two cents in and stir the pot a bit….

I believe China’s economic and foreign policy reflects a grand strategy for building China into a wealthy and powerful international entity while ensuring the continued rule of the Chinese Communist Party.

This strategy has been necessary to build new sources of political support for the Communist Party as belief in Communist/Marxist ideology has eroded worldwide. This need became particularly acute after the 1989 Tiananmen massacre and the collapse of communism in Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union.

Chinese leaders have long emphasized the importance of rapid growth as a strategy for regime survival, with the goal of rebuilding legitimacy by demonstrating the party’s ability to build an advanced economy and to raise living standards.

China’s leaders have achieved remarkable success in building a booming economy and holding their political system together after communism collapsed in Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union. Although prospects for continued growth are good, Chinese leaders are faced with an international system dominated by the United States and a globalized world economy where sophisticated multinational corporations possess technology and management skills decades ahead of their Chinese competitors. This could put spokes in the plan of maintaining the current rate of growth, which is essential to distract attention from growing domestic challenges.

China  faces a host of domestic challenges, ranging from environmental degradation produced by headlong growth to social tensions created by rising inequality between coastal and interior provinces and between rural and urban workers.

The party’s response emphasizes efforts to alleviate social pressures by devising economic policies that will produce more balanced growth with fewer negative side effects. This represents an adjustment from previous policies focused on maximizing growth at any cost. But Chinese leaders will still emphasize the importance of continued rapid economic growth for maintaining domestic stability as a prolonged economic slowdown or downturn in growth would aggravate simmering social problems and stoke and stimulate protests.

China’s increased global activism is intended to secure inputs for this rapidly expanding economy while protecting itself against a possible containment strategy by the US. This focus on resource access has led China to build close relations with questionable regimes such as Iran, Sudan, Angola and Burma who share China’s intent in resisting a growing worldwide movement to promote democracy and a known US strategy to intervene in other countries to drive this agenda while securing their own interests.

Beijing has also become increasingly dependent on exports to and investment from developed countries to maintain economic growth and this has made them very uncomfortable and quite possibly led to them investing in those economies as a reciprocal strategy.

It is for these reasons I believe that Chinese moves in international markets are more about protecting their internal interests rather than about taking over the world.

As usual would love to learn more by hearing any views on this.

Some more on Zohar and Marshall

Zohar and Marshall introduced 12 qualities of Spiritual Quotient. 

They derive these principles from the qualities that define complex adaptive systems. In biology, complex adaptive systems are living systems that create order out of chaos, they create order and information and defy the law of entropy.

Those principles are:

• Self-awareness: Knowing what I believe in and value, and what deeply motivates me
• Spontaneity: Living in and being responsive to the moment
• Being vision- and value-led: Acting from principles and deep beliefs, and living accordingly
• Holism: Seeing larger patterns, relationships, and connections; having a sense of belonging
• Compassion: Having the quality of "feeling-with" and deep empathy
• Celebration of diversity: Valuing other people for their differences, not despite them
• Field independence: Standing against the crowd and having one's own convictions
• Humility: Having the sense of being a player in a larger drama, of one's true place in the world
• Tendency to ask fundamental "Why?" questions: Needing to understand things and get to the bottom of them
• Ability to reframe: Standing back from a situation or problem and seeing the bigger picture; seeing problems in a wider context
• Positive use of adversity: Learning and growing from mistakes, setbacks, and suffering
• Sense of vocation: Feeling called upon to serve, to give something back

Source: Wikipedia 

Something to reflect on

Here is a poem I read that really resonated for me. I think it is for every parent/teacher/adult who interacts with every child. Including the child within each of us, that we rarely acknowledge or celebrate.

Don't impose on me what you know,
I want to explore the unknown
And be the source of my own discoveries. 
Let the known be my liberation, not my slavery.
The world of your truth can be my limitation,
Your wisdom, my negation.
Don't instruct me;Let's walk together. 
Let my richness begin where yours ends. 
Show me so that i can stand on your shoulders.
Reveal yourself so that i can be something different.
You will not know who I am by listening to yourself.
Don't instruct me. Let me be. 
Your failure is that i be identical to you. 

From the book of Spiritual Intelligence by Danah Zohar and Ian Marshall. 

The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination | Harvard Magazine

Here is one of the best speeches i have had the good fortune to hear about the importance of perspective.

The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination | Harvard Magazine

New Year Rituals

Never been big on rituals I cannot relate to. Following rigidly sequenced steps in a language i do not know does not move me at all. For me rituals have always been about their power to evoke a certain set of associations and about getting in touch with something that has the power to move you to a higher plane as a consequence. And i have always been moved by such rituals - the unfurling of the national flag or the getting up to sing the national anthem have been deeply moving rituals for me. Don't get me wrong - I am not against rituals per se. I just need to understand them.

Suddenly this new year eve, I got thinking about the rituals of wishing the old year out and ringing the new one in. And about how differently we welcome a New Year traditionally in India versus how the West has traditionally welcomed it.

Don't know about others but I struggle with integrating the two for myself.

Traditionally, I feel we don't celebrate the new year as much as we observe it. We follow a different calendar for this, have a puja at home or we go to a temple after daybreak and cook a lot of stuff that is special for that day. On the other hand, the english calendar new year has always been about partying on the eve of the new year(with or without  alcohol), spilling over past midnight and celebrating the arrival of the new day and the new year more by the clock than by sunrise. The praying versus the partying captured the essence of the difference for me.

Left me wondering if this may also become meaningless soon - people on TV, celebrating the new year in New Zealand, when it was still only late afternoon here, triggered it for me.

Electricity has obscured the distinction between night and day, industrialisation has obviated the need to be aware of the seasons and globalization and the digital age has meant that time and space distinctions are no longer that relevant.

We work 24/7 with both light and temperature being controlled so we dont need to have a sense of day or night, Alaska or Dubai. We take holidays when we can get the leave sanctioned, when the schools are closed, where the weather is pleasant and there are no adverse travel advisories.
Hooked to our blackberries, day and night, weekday and weekend, spring,summer, autumn and winter dont really matter anymore.Our work and our leisure times are getting intertwined and clear cut boundaries are difficult to maintain today.So what does a new year really signify other than another excuse to party?

Given this reality, what part would festivals, rituals and occasions play in the future? More so as we begin to participate in the rituals and celebrate the festivals of the many  nations (and their dominant faiths) that we have become part of. For example, I have relatives and friends who are more likely to know when Hanukkah or Thanksgiving is, than Mahalaya Ammavasai or Vaikunta Ekadasi. And i wouldn't hold it against them It isn't relevant to their current context.

Would the power of ritual to evoke what was originally intended for a community get even more marginalized? Particularly when our ability, readiness or willingness to craft new rituals for the new contexts we find ourselves in, has never been tested. This too leaves me wondering...

Would love to hear others out on this one.

Yudhishtra and leadership

Have always been interested in the debate between ends and means. If you are too, read this brilliant book by Gurcharan Das - The Difficulty of Being Good. 

Does a just war justify unjust means or can an unjust war fought with just means be condoned? 

This is the central question he explores - the moral dilemmas of Leadership, as seen through the lens of the Mahabharata and its various characters. He explores the challenges that the prominent characters face in the story and their pattern of responses. 

The analysis of Yudhishtra's challenges was an eye-opener. Here was a man who doggedly pursued dharma and satya, and struggled all his life with questions about morality and duty as a Royal versus what he as an individual, outside of his role responsibilities, would have preferred. 

Yet in general, people don't think very highly of Yudhishtra as a leader. He would not have made my list either. When i spoke to friends about this, i found the same response. Arjuna and Karna are the heroes, apart from Krishna. For some it was Abhimanyu. Not one named Yudhistra. 

Maybe we hold his humanness against him. He is not a strong, surefooted leader who rarely betrays any doubt. He is full of questions about what is right and wrong. He is filled with remorse for telling a lie for the sake of victory. He does not abandon his brothers when the Yaksha kills them for their arrogance. Nor does he abandon the dog on his way to heaven. He is willing to question the system's sense of what was right and wrong based purely on roles and devoid of a personal context. Yet he does not have a grand or theatrical style as he goes about all this. He does it with a sense of propriety, restraint and dignity. 

He accepts the inevitability of war and the realpolitiks behind Krishna's strategies. Yet the question of whether just ends justify unjust means never deserts him. For him means are as important as ends. 

Maybe that unsettles us. He is too human to be a leader.

Maybe that is what we need more of today - human leaders. 

Gita Competitions

Met a lady who is very interested and keen to propagate the universal messages found in the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads. So she runs classes for young children, helping them memorize verses from these Holy books.
She has been preparing some of them for a Gita chanting competition.
Struck me as ironic.
I thought that the whole essence of the Gita was to work without being overly focussed on the result and here we have a bunch of kids who are learning to chant it for a prize.
So I asked this lady if she saw any contradiction between means and ends and whether kids need one more arena of competitive stress.

She sees the point but takes refuge under the argument that if she doesn't do it, someone else will. And that Gita chanting competitions are also a good way for children to learn it properly and well.

I see her point but i am still unable to reconcile it in my head.